The New Me

I am no longer the same as I was before.
Inside my mind I am broken and sore.
All went silent when I gave up the fight.
Now I feel as if I can do nothing right.
I had to re-learn to eat and to breathe.
Everyone inside began to grieve.
I couldn’t write about this the last two years.
We’ve been hidden with Her tears and fears.
She just can’t handle things any longer.
We hope one day She will be stronger.
I don’t know how far down they were buried.
Remembering only the day all became fast and hurried.
Feelings of being beaten down and broke.
Is what was left when I finally woke.
© Mary E. Barabos

All Within Me
Trigger Warning
One of my parts who had no name
Is in her 20’s and has no shame.
I finally figured out what name she can carry.
Spelled with an "I" her name is Mari.
Now I know who many are.
Through the years we’ve come so far.
There are fifteen and eighteen year old girls.
Fifteen has always been known as Amy.
She if full of hate; our Protector and Angry.
The years of 18 was a daring, carefree time.
With nothing of my own to call mine.
Young Mary, age 9, tried hard to keep her friends.
She was always found in a small, quiet corner in the end.
A He who cares not whom he harms;
An adult with absolutely No charm.
He is known in Our System as Mike,
And has been around since the tiny tike.
Little Marybeth, so frightened and small
Holds secrets search for by All.
Mike turns us upside down with what He brought.
He makes us frightened, angry and wrought.
Just when I thought there was no gentle male
Along came another with No anger to curtail.
The Adult MaryBeth has appeared.
All but One is in her heart, endeared.
When we look back at the poems we see
It’s hard to believe this is All Within Me.

© Mary E. Barabos

Me, No Longer Sealed
Trigger Warning
I struggle everyday to just stay me.
The problem is it’s not possible to be.
Yes, I do know this now.
Through decades of turmoil I’ve had to plow.
Finally, I understand and am accepting.
How long will it be for others not to be rejecting?
I’ve known the ‘little one’ was alone.
Now I know, since the mist has flown.
In my mind and heart I now see.
No one really understands; and therefore rejects me.
Inside me everyone is hurting now.
To stop my heart from such pain, none of us know how.
I have finally accepted and embraced my parts.
We are separate and in one body, but we share the same heart.

There are many of parts of me now.
How this was accomplished I know not how.
What the other parts feel I do too.
I’ve now learned of another part and who.
I have protectors-female and male, yes.
A forceful one also, adult male, I can only guess.
I Thought those were the only ones of that gender.
How WRONG I was! There’s a He, gentle and tender.
I was told and learned there are opposites to my parts.
Now I’ve discovered the male with the Heart.
A name I don’t have, and isn’t needed.
He is all the love and pain I’ve heeded.
I don’t want to lose him now that he’s found.
He is part of my Love, Joy, Pain and new Sound.
He’s now here, of that I am very glad.
With outside rejections, a new friend I have.
© Mary E. Barabos

The Mixed-Up Senses
If you have the Power of the All-Knowing
You can hear the beauty of a flower growing.
Hearing the blending colors of rainbows
Is like the scent of drizzling rain as it shows.
Tasting a music note as it’s played is crisper.
It’s almost possible to touch a whisper.
Can you hear the Sun as it is about to rise?
Feel the breeze as a butterfly flies?
Of the senses, there is an ultimate test.
That is, knowing when to give them a rest.
© Mary E. Barabos

A Mother's Absence
Trigger Warning
While you weren’t there
I needed to learn to stare.
Go Away Somewhere else in my mind
‘Cause each of them had me in a bind.
As young as a toddler.
Was it actually my father?
I was beat, touched and deceived.
Inside were knots, never relieved.
Mothers should keep children safe.
Unfortunately you took your parents’ trait.
Was Nana ever there for you?
Will I ever hear answers that are true?
Did you know and blindly ignore
Causing it to continue only more?
I believe the reason you worked so many hours
Was to have you Own independence. But what about ours?
Your absence came at a high cost.
Our innocence and childhood were lost.
I understand as a child I was a handful.
When I was only trying to be helpful.
© Mary E. Barabos

Questions and Answers
Trigger Warning
What I’m thinking he always wants to know.
The answer will explode and cause a blow.
He says he "sees that look again".
If so, why even ask the question?
The feelings are not buried far enough just yet.
They’re still at the surface, simmering and not quite set.
"Do you really want to know" I asked.
"Be real sure and positive, before the answers are cast".
Again, he will blame my jealousy.
They are lucky I’ve had this much generosity.
Just how much more will it take
Before I’m shutting down; with too much on my plate?
He would totally disagree, this is true.
I’m tired and exhausted of being everyone else's you.
One cries, one gets furious, one quiet, one small.
One writes, and yet another has ways to End it All.
Now I see not only different ages
But mixed in between are alternate personalities.
Maybe this is the piece I’ve not understood before.
One, or more, opens before I can close the door.
With all the "Ones" I’ve described, I’m sure there are more.
How I know, I have no clue; but of this I am sure.
When people say they see that look again
Are they seeing one of the other mes about to begin?
Yet again, that one question today he asked.
The answer was Anger of him and Her, but only a flash.
It is why I said to be very sure he wants the answer.
I knew what it was; I didn’t want to cause anger.
To know the answer he seeks Will cause a fight.
However, my fear is that, for me, it will cause flight.
© Mary E. Barabos

Boo-Boo Kisses
Trigger Warning
When children scrape a knee they say
"Mommy" "Daddy", "Kiss the boo-boo, make it better".
Wouldn’t it be nice if parent’s boo-boo kisses
Could take away the hurts of growing that can’t be missed?
Just imagine for a moment, if you will.
A world healed with boo-boo kisses; no one killed.
It sounds like a child’s wish, I see.
Much could be accomplished, if only one day it Could be.
What could possibly be cured with boo-boo kisses?
Life without fights maybe not; but more smiles you’ll certainly see.
A snowball effect Could lead
from Smiles to Friends, to No More Greed.
Without greed, that in turn may lead
to no more Fights, no more War, Everyone Heed.
Just think a moment longer.
Wouldn’t it be nice if Boo-Boo kisses
Could make the world stronger?
© Mary E. Barabos

All Of Me
Trigger Warning
After four decades I am finally aware.
My thoughts are not just my own, but shared.
It took me all this time for me to learn.
That parts of me, back in time, return.
Words, sights, and scents trigger each one.
Different emotions are caused, leaving Me done.
I can see and hear their actions
And I find ourselves at junctions.
It’s good I finally know who they are.
Two years ago I was able to push them down far.
Now they are all beginning, again, to surface.
Feeling the fears slowly going through my face.
Long since lost is the fifteen year old Amy.
With her, all that matters is rage and being angry.
I’m afraid of Amy’s voice and to let it out.
Last time I was hospitalized when she was allowed to shout.
Mike, we All hope, is Gone now too.
Within his thoughts, there’s no telling what he may do.
He’s very demanding, abusive, and unpredictable.
Making me glad that, in thoughts ONLY, he’s able.
Little Mary is awakening.
Full of fears and she’s shaking.
She is about age eight years old.
What she wants most is approval.
My "little one" marybeth" comes out sometimes at night.
She’s three, lives in a seamless room and, full of fright.
marybeth (age 3) doesn’t talk, yell, or scream.
Everything, to her, is a bad dream.
Surprised, I am, learning about Mari.
She’s in her twenties and not like any.
Mari is the Only one Allowed her feelings.
Having them All, no need to see from the ceilings.
A few still have no name.
One girl is eighteen and full of shame.
How could she let him do what he did?
All she Did do was run and hid.
I’ve learned that this is my "System
From the first person that "touched" me it does stem.
How much longer do we play Hide and Seek?
Through My eyes, everyone does peek.
© Mary E. Barabos

Emotions
Trigger Warning
My writing USED to greatly change.
Now I can write without much range.
I’ve been reading journals from my past.
The feelings they cause, I wonder if they will last.
Words used to trigger emotions Real Bad.
I can finally read them without being So mad.
Angry and sad emotions words still cause.
All shades of red I feel, from fire engine, to mauve.
It’s about time to ALLOW my emotions.
At least somewhat, so far, without commotions.
I can still hear and feel everyone inside.
I’m still afraid to open my eyes wide.
I’ve noticed that, (age 15), Amy’s quieter now.
Mary, age 9, is at the surface more somehow.
She needs to have everyone’s approval.
When it’s not there, it causes her hurt, and removal.
I’m scared to embrace, age 3, little marybeth.
When I see what She sees, I have to hold my breath.
She is scared, alone, and so far away.
For the sake of my children, with her I can no longer stay.
The male parts of me have, a long time, been hidden.
No one understands; besides, Mike is Forbidden !
HE causes my memories too much pain.
The emotions make me feel to blame.
The eighteen year old me that has no name
Was made to feel guilty and full of shame.
To get SOMEONE to Really LOVE her was her intention.
Just being herself caused it’s prevention.
I realize NOW there Is a fearful adult female.
Getting yelled at and put down makes her hail.
What prevails is instantaneous silence;
Feeling cut down to the Heart is the prevalence.
The Adult female that CAN have THOSE emotions
Has only appeared RARELY and has no revoltions.
Spelled with an "I", her name is MARI.
SHE is Confident, and her feelings she does not bury.
Now I’ve come to the "me" I am at the moment.
I don’t feel, except with my kids, I need any atonement.
Found myself, my courage, and voice once again.
WE ARE ALL STILL HERE, within Our Den.
© Mary E. Barabos

Broken Cycle
Trigger Warning
Writing the poetry, for me, has many reasons.
Many times it describes my own internal seasons.
Poems are the Only way to keep my writings straight.
Otherwise I’m barely able to step out of the gate.
From my experiences, others can learn.
Good parenting skills are to be earned.
In decades past abuse was acceptable.
Being told to "get a switch from the tree" was normal.
To be "touched" was Never spoken about.
I had to "go away", be silent, and Never shout.
This caused me to "split apart" many times.
Now, I write about it in my rhymes.
If only society had known and realized
That this would leave a lifetime to self-chastise.
We tend to repeat that which has been taught.
Relief from pain is always what was sought.
Please, take your children into your arms and adore.
Raise them with Values, Kindness, and Love them more.
There’s Always a way; Please don’t say "there’s no use".
Most important in the world is to Break The Cycle of Abuse.
© Mary E. Barabos

Switch To Be Free
Trigger Warning

I wrote this poem back in 2007 when I was learning still about my alters. This is from the viewpoint of one of them. The 'she" that is referred to is me (the host). I have now learned that so far there are 8 alters.

I’m not wanted and
people don’t understand this me.
She wants me; but I
need to be released too.

Why can’t they
understand? Why can’t they see?

All anyone sees is
a girl, female, that’s hurting.

She is learning to
allow her needs; allow us.

As she learns so do
we, why can’t anyone see?

She knows about us
now.

She thinks we’re
hurting her more somehow.

We want to be with
her and her needs.

She knows now,
because of just one sneeze.

Think she
understands and needs me/us too now.

I want to be
allowed. I’m not a disease.

She needs me too
now, but there’s trouble.

No one wants
someone that has more than one.

Few know she has
more than double.

She knew this time
why she began to try.

It was because of
her headache.

That’s when she
began to hide.

Her head hurts so
much right now.

We don’t like the
headache.

She knows. She
learned. We’re here too somehow.

Just like everyone
hurts and bleeds,

So does she (and
we), but inside.

That’s why most
people can’t see.

Few people
understand- VERY few.

She’s about had enough.

Ready to say she’s
through.

We know she NEEDS
someone to love All her Mes.

The difficult one
for anyone to allow is me.

She knows when I’m
here it’s her AND me.

She says, feels,
knows she Needs to switch with me.

No one understands any of us here.
We have our needs too.

Sometimes we too
need to be let free.

She knows this now
and opens her heart to embrace me.

Why can’t anyone
else understand?

Why can’t people
Let Her Be Her, for Us to be Free?
© Mary E. Barabos

Surrounded By Fires

Trigger Warning

It's different to write aobut things you don't know.
What is in your thoughts and heart will always show.
I will no longer allow myself to write without rhymes.
Keeping my writing straight otherwise is an upward climb.
People keep telling me to get my poetry published.
They are part of me and privately cherished.
I'm scared of, again, letting my parts out.
Their emotions are extreme; silence, se*uality, and can even shout.
My mind used to race faster that the rest of me.
the meds slowed all that down, allowing me to see.
It's hard for me to look back and realize.
All i wanted then was to cause my own d**ise.
Taking *ills, drive off a bridge, or stay on train tracks;
The Love for my children always stopped me and brought me back.
If Amy (15) is our protector, then who wanted to d**?
Who has such an extreme depression and won't even try?
I Thought I knew all of my personalities;
Starting to feel like I need a Master's degree.
I need to, finally, know what transpires.
Now I feel as if Surrounded By Fires.
© Mary E. Barabos

Nature’s Scintillating Sound

Mountains are quiet and serene.

They give a sense of Freedom with their scene.

Treetops taller than the eyes have vision.

Each blade of grass grows with precision.

Wild flowers growing is a Beauty to behold.

Laying under twinkling stars; many stories to be told.

Hear the birds sing their beautiful praise.

When flying to the Heavens, with their wings they raise.

A soft whisper through the trees

Can be heard with a gentle breeze.

A Gorgeous sonnet can be found

When listening to Nature’s scintillating Sound.
© Mary E. Barabos

Mother Nature’s Planet

Nature is certainly Not cavalier.

She sends her message perfectly clear.

The Human Race should not interfere

If it wants to keep it’s shiny blue sphere.

Pollution and trash all here and there.

How can we think we are a profiteer?

Just ‘cause some people commandeer?

Let’s All get together and begin a premier!

Clean Our Planet so we Can persevere.

If we, as a Human Race, to nature adhere,

Then we may never need to see our Darkest Fear!
© Mary E. Barabos

Maine's Beauty

I like being away from home.

The environment has a different tone.

The air is cleaner and easier to breathe.

Maine’s beauty is difficult to believe.


The Fall’s colors are out of this world.

When a breeze blows it sends the leaves down and twirled.

One the side of the road, one year, we saw a huge, live, moose.

Another time, the kids were feeding a goose.


Up here, there is not as much trafficking.

Beware, the troopers do a lot of ticketing.

Within the back roads, schools are surrounded by beauty.

Taking good care of each child is everyone’s duty.


The fall leaves up here are inundated with colors.

The scent of the air after it rains, of your senses, it smothers.
© Mary E. Barabos

Emotions
Trigger Warning

My writing USED to greatly change.

Now I can write without much range.

I’ve been reading journals from my past.

The feelings they cause, I wonder if they will last.

Words used to trigger emotions Real Bad.

I can finally read them without being So mad.

Angry and sad emotions words still cause.

All shades of red I feel, from fire engine, to mauve.

It’s about time to ALLOW my emotions.

At least somewhat, so far, without commotions.

I can still hear and feel everyone inside.

I’m still afraid to open my eyes wide.

I’ve noticed that, (age 15), Amy’s quieter now.

Mary, age 9, is at the surface more somehow.

She needs to have everyone’s approval.

When it’s not there, it causes her hurt, and removal.
© Mary E. Barabos

Wishes Of A Child
Trigger Warning

Have the comfort of a Loving embrace;

When my memories I need to Not face.

To feel truly Safe, what does it mean?

For I’ve only every known that within dreams.

Taken for granted are So many things.

For me, It’s only envy they bring.

In my world, I’ve heard some people say

“Don’t worry, for tomorrow is another day”.

Easy to think, yet difficult to believe.

A new beginning won’t end just as yesterday’s eve.

For some of us kids Life is the nightmare.

Only in our dreams Security and Comfort is shared.

Needing my wings/arms in flight is my wishes.

Just remember Not to allow memory flashes.
© Mary E. Barabos

Tranquility Found
Trigger Warning

My self-esteem is no longer being lowered.

Am I now supposed to feel empowered?

If so, what exactly does that mean?

So far, the answer can’t be seen.


I am now, with my children, truly trying my best.

Doing everything I can, not always laying down to rest.

Now I have so much more responsibility.

Yet somehow this does bring some tranquility.


My body was always tired before.

It’s nothing compared to opening my mind’s door.

There is a peacefulness I’ve not had in the past.

My hope is that it continues and will forever last.
© Mary E. Barabos

One Person
Trigger Warning

Time is approaching the weekend.

Now I need to begin a new trend.

I am no longer a little child.

My emotions need to stop running wild.


I have no idea how Not to split apart.

The triggers are like getting hit with a dart.

They come through me with a great, big Pop!

What can I do to make them Stop?


How can I teach my children what they need?

I never know Who’s at the surface; which Me.

My parts Must stay within their den.

Maybe I can become just One person then.
© Mary E. Barabos

Totem Pole
Trigger Warning

What I feel I need to learn

Is to stand on my own and not discern.

I don’t know HOW this will be done.

For my children, I want to falter none.


Take life one grain at a time, of sand;

Become the best Mom I possibly can.

I used to need to dispossess my emotions.

Recently, however, I’ve been learning adaptations.


Needing to make my children proud

I must find a way to reach above the cloud.

Well-rounded adults I hope they become;

Not to follow in my past and succumb.


Within their young lives they have undergone

Much turmoil and become withdrawn.

When they learn to take control

My children will reach the top of the Totem Pole.
© Mary E. Barabos

A Solitary Boy
Trigger Warning

There once was a lonely, solitary boy.

He always played by lining up his toys.

Other children wouldn’t listen to what HE had to say.

Unfortunately, his life was like this every day.


They cared none for anything HE thought.

To make friends, he tried with All his Heart.

Whether basketball, baseball, or board games,

Each passing day brought more of the same.

He was either chosen last or told he couldn’t stay,

Anytime they allowed him to play.

They used to call him many mean names.

That is, until he got the idea to learn about Their games.


Then he had knowledge of one particular subject best.

Whatever They didn’t know, HE knew the rest.

The boy learned about Their subject beginning to end.

After years of trying so hard, he finally made friends.
© Mary E. Barabos

See From Above
Trigger Warning

It’s not really much to need or want.

Soft, Gentle hands, not to be ignored and taunt.

One Hundred percent of my Heart he could have received

If he hadn’t taken my choice and, of Himself, relieved.


How in the world couldn’t he Understand?

It’s NOT a woman’s Duty to give herself to Man.

I struggled and said “No” So many times!

He left me feeling as silent as a mime.


Why did he ALWAUS leave when he was done?

It left my emotions in turmoil; I mattered none.

How can Anyone consider That Love?

All it did was, again, make me see from above.


At an early age I learned to see as in a movie.

It was a show that was anything BUT groovy.

When I left my body it was difficult to return.

Upon doing so, of myself, all I wanted to do was burn.
© Mary E. Barabos

World Peace

It was suggested I write about the beauty of nature.

As to where to even begin I am unsure.

There is so much beauty within the world.

Animals, scenery, people, even a leaf that’s whirled.


There is Love in Everything to portray;

As within even the tiniest bouquet.

We are All responsible to make sure Life will never cease.

If we each do our part, the World can find peace.


We can learn lessons even from a bee.

They only give/take what they need to stay free.

Crickets fell the air with sounds at night,

Communicating with each other with all their might.


The quietness and skittishness of a deer

Help to keep it alive within our sphere.

Slowly high in the sky the Sun does ascend.

Further and further the beautiful rays extend.


Peacefulness in Nature we need to invoke.

Kindness within people we need to invoke.

As a whole, Nature, we must protect.

To gain World Peace, we should never neglect.
© Mary E. Barabos