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Would like an oppinion from those who know.

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Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by Guest on 6/8/2012, 3:24 pm

First off I am not diagnosed with DID. Part of me thinks no way, this is me being silly thinking that just because of several other issues that make it seem that way. I have not seen a therapist, & honestly I doubt I will. I'd like to, but I have serious trust issues there I just can't seem to bridge. I think nothing short of anonymous sessions through a wall would make me feel comfortable there. But that's a whole separate issue.

Let me share a bit about me, & hopefully you can tell me if you can relate.
My biggest issue is where it comes to sex. "I" am not crazy about it. Could live without it. I put up with it sometimes because I love my husband & I know he wants it. Then there is this other me. I actually do have a name for her. She is wilder & extreamly sexual, a bit of a freak really & insatiable. Hubby of course loves when she's here ... which isn't often. Now I say all this as a way of making sense of it because in a way I still feel I'm here ... but at the same time I feel like a different person completely. I dont have memory loss while "she" is here or anything. I started joking with my husband years ago about "her" (oh I must have multiple personalities, etc), but sometimes it feels very real too. I have a serious feeling that her & I are 2 different people even though I am always present with her. She & I have had arguments at times. Sometimes I tend to think of her as a whore.

Ok ,So that's the main, constant, ongoing conflict. I also have had a few other odd moments that make me wonder. I did a drawing once called the **((( in the mirror. It was a woman ripping the heart out of the woman in the reflection. It was to summerize this sense I was having of being 2 people at the time & one really hated the other & wanted to hurt her. On occassion that even manifest itself into violent attacks where I had claw marks all over myself. Let me say I have NOT had an episode that extreme in a long time. Although recently I did have something minor where I was punching my arm when I got overwhelmed with frustration. Anyway, I have times where I have that little voice in the back of my head yelling insults at me. I mean I know the stuff it's saying isn't true, but it will call me names & be very degrading ... especially when I make a mistake or do something I don't want to be doing (like sexually). I have started to think IF this is something like DID (which I still don't know), maybe this is another personality as well. A bitter, angry, violent one.

I want you to know I have a great support system around me & people who care & understand I have issues ... whatever they are. I guess what I want to know is is any of this something anyone else can relate to, & if so are you diagnosed yet or still figuring things out too? I feel like I am more than one person & argue with them sometimes ... & yet I feel like I am them too & don't really black out. I think I feel crazier because I don't know if this could be did than I would if I knew that's what it was. Then I could put a hat on it & get to the business of dealing with it.

britesmile2012
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Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by britesmile2012 on 6/8/2012, 3:58 pm

I can relate. I have been having arguments with myself all my life. Its all in my head so as long as it stays there I can go back in denial any time. I was diagnosed 18 years ago by the T I was seeing then. She had thought we were dealing with my inner child the whole 4 years I was seeing her until one day one came out in T with a southern accent and totally differnt manerisms than I have. Then she diagnosed me and promptly dismissed me because it was over her head. I worked with another T for about a year until he resigned for sexual misconduct with another patient. I then was in denial for about 17 years (and still had things happening the whole time but just explained it away). Then some things were happening a little over a year ago (for the previous 2 1/2 years) that I could no longer deny and I went to see another T. He is a specialist in DID and says there is absolutely no doubt in his mind that I have DID. I still question him sometimes that how do we know I'm not just crazy? He says that crazy people make up the FBI or CIA chasing/watching them or aliens visiting them, not extra people in their head. Most people who have mental disorders with halucinations think the people are real and have to be convinced they are not, not the other way around. I have had enough alters come out in his office that I can believe now that I have DID. I don't lose much time that I know of but do lose track of my belongings quite a bit and apparently that means alters are moving stuff and I 'm losing time but don't realize it. I recently had some medicine (2 months worth) go missing and in T an alter admitted to taking it and hiding it. Of course the pdoc won't reissue the meds so I'm having to go without which is a bummer.No one can convince you that you have DID but it does feel better when I read this list and see that other people have the same experiences I do. I don't feel so strange then. I have always felt strange. And that increases my sense of isolation. It is wonderful to reach out on here for support and get it. It feels so validating and my insiders do a happy dance. Keep sharing on here and one day it will start to make sense.
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felicity
Felicity Lee
Felicity Lee

Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by felicity on 6/8/2012, 4:00 pm

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote and lived with similar incidents until into my 50's. I was diagnosed after long and arduous evaluation and assessments by psychiatrists and therapists at a well-respected trauma center. I had previously been diagnosed, but didn't believe them and went on my way in denial.

I think that if 'episodes' are interfering with your life so as to cause your everyday functioning to be impaired - then, it is time to get some professional help. Just my opinion. Professional could include anything from therapy to medical advice - whatever is most helpful for 'you'. In other words, it is 'you' who are most important. If you set you aside for other stuff and try to 'keep going' when you know that you need help, things are bound to eventually fall apart to the point where you will no longer be able to stay 'hidden'.

I hope that made some sense. Sorry that you are going through this and hope that you seek out whatever it is that you need.



     

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Guest
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Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by Guest on 6/8/2012, 4:31 pm

Thank you guys. I know this doesn't take the place of seeing a professional, but it really is nice to have a place to discuss how I feel anonymously & get a little feedback & support.

Let me share one more thing. I have what we call panic attacks/social phobia. Most days I can walk into a place like the gym, say hi to several people & be just fine.

Recently I had one of my attacks. I knew it was going to be bad. I sat in the car for almost a half hour before going in. When I went in I told my hubby what was up. While he changed I kept pacing back & forth hiding in corners as people came too close. About 5 min into the treadmill I hit stop & told him I'd have to wait in the car. It was all too much, & I started feeling disconnected from my legs making it hard to walk. This is all pretty typical of one of my attacks (running & hiding from people practically). Don't know what it's about but it did occur to y I am very different when this happens. Normally friendly & sociable (at least with those I know), to very withdrawn & mousy & unable to speak to even people I consider like friends. I think if anyone would have come within 5 to 10 feet of me I would have either jumped out of my skin & screamed, or just locked up & disappeared inside.

britesmile2012
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Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by britesmile2012 on 6/8/2012, 4:42 pm

That is the same for me. Normally I am very social but at times I clam up and feel unable to talk to anybody and if anyone touches me I feel like I will completely freak out. I often get this way in crowds. But it has happened in places I've been to a million times like the grocery store. It seems to happen when I get overwhelmed and I can usually trace back a trigger when I write about it or talk with T about it. He always seems to ask just the right questions to get to the bottom of it. I went for a long time just dealing with it on my own but after going back to T last year, I feel like I am getting better from all of this. I hope you can see your way clear to see a professional for your own sake.
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Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by Guest on 6/8/2012, 7:18 pm

If we did look for someone, would it be a psychiatrist or psychologist? I don't really want to do the drug thing.

britesmile2012
100+ Posts
100+ Posts

Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by britesmile2012 on 6/8/2012, 7:50 pm

I see a T that is a certified counsellor so he is not a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist but found him by looking on the ISST-D website under find a therapist section. The url is: http://isst-d.org/find-a-therapist/disclaimer-find-therapist.htm Apparently the website is undergoing some updates so you'll need to send them an email with your geographic area and they will send you a list in your area. I had been seeing a Psychiatrist already for many years (we call them pdocs) so continued doing so. My T would like to see me get off the meds at some point. I couldn't believe how much easier it was to trust him than other T's I have seen over the years because I didn't have to convince him of what I was experiencing. He just believes me. It is really cool to have a T that believes what I tell him. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Old Soul
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1,000+ Posts

Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by Old Soul on 6/8/2012, 9:59 pm

I undersand it is difficult at times, and very confusing, but sometimes it helps to remember that people with DID do not all look the same or act the same. If you go by what you might have seen on tv, read in books or in the movies, you are not getting the whole picture.

Also I have to agree with what my Therapist tells me constantly, everybody has parts to them, and everybody dissasociates to some extent just there are those of us who have been through trauma in our younger years that have developed it into a very fluid coping skill.

You may or may not be living with DID, it's about quality of life, if your life is being affected by what you are describing you have a choice to seek out help, or continue on as you are. There are lots of assessments you can find on line including the on here, but even that is just a starting point.

OS
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jellio
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5,000+ Posts

Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by jellio on 6/8/2012, 11:12 pm

I think that getting an accurate DX then treatment that is required is important for healing.
For us it was about finding out what was wrong with me. now we are in the process of healing. This process is not easy.

Jellio
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Guest

Denial/Re-diagnosing/Confusion

Post by Guest on 6/14/2012, 10:58 pm

I have had almost all of the similar things happen in my life as all of the posts here. In fact, I was in denial as well--even after being diagnosed. It is to a "T" what everyone is saying. I have always felt repressed and it is SO NICE to not feel alone so much anymore. KEEP the talk coming! Thank you everyone!!
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unicorn-Ann
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Denial

Post by unicorn-Ann on 6/21/2012, 11:33 am

I know exactly what you mean. I had arguments w/myself and felt like I was different person in certain situations my whole life. I have been abused from the age of 2 to age 44. I have been out of abuse for 3 years now and have been seeing a therapist for 5 years. My therapist knew I had DID quite awhile before I started to even talk about what was going on. She knew at the time that I was not ready to deal w/that yet. When I was, she explained everything to me and referred me to this site. I now have been officially diagnosed w/DID. It's funny, I still didn't really understand until I did the DID quiz on here and spoke about w/my therapist. It kind of hit home at that point.

As far as having a therapist, everyone knows what is right for them. But, I always think having a qualified therapist, who you click with, is a good thing. In my case, I was ready to find out what was going on w/me. But I put the wall up as soon as I walked into her office and it stayed up for a long time. It is hard and I have 'quit' her several times. But for me it is right.
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Guest
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Re: Would like an oppinion from those who know.

Post by Guest on 6/21/2012, 2:02 pm

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. I don't know when I will get up the courage to trust a therapist again, but it is wonderful having a place to reach out to. I love reading how you can relate, it makes me feel a little less crazy some how knowing there are other people who feel the same way.
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