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Need advice

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Guest
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Need advice

Post by Guest on 8/6/2012, 7:43 am

Hi

I have joined this forum looking for advice...I have been in a relationship with my partner for seven years in May I discovered that throughout the whole relationship he was messaging through facebook, text messages, emails and phone calls his ex. They broke up due to the fact that at university he had a break down as apparently she was very manipulative. He had counselling to help him over that difficult spell.
When I discovered the messages and the fact that they had been in contact for so long I was furious. I from her received quite a lot of content of the messages they were quite flirtatious but nothing sexual however she says there was but she deleted them. He is adamant nothing sexual was sent. They also sent each other picture messages of each other’s faces now and then to show each other how they had changed since they met. This was confirmed by them both.


What upset me the most is that she had booked a hotel in agreement with him to meet on the 27th December half way. She is from London him from Lincolnshire. They had not seen each other in seven years since he had been with me. From the messages I read they booked a room to see how they felt about each other now and he was reluctant to discuss me as he said it confused him and he just wanted to see her to see how they both felt. My father passed away on the 15th December so he cancelled and I saw from her bank statement he put money into her account to apologize for not being able to make it.

I was extremely furious with him and threw him out of our home. He told me he was in touch with her because he wanted to get his own back on her for the way she treated him and him needing counselling. I thought this was a pathetic story as why he would money into her account if he wanted to get his own back on her.

I decided to let him speak to me about what his reasons were as I wanted closure and wanted to know why he did all this when I thought the relationship was stable and happy with ‘normal’ problems.


He sat me down and as he told me was red, shaking, slurring, crying and told me as a child he had been sexually abused by his neighbour. He was quite detailed with some of his recollections but also said he couldn't remember it all as he had blocked out some of it.



He told me he was asked to behave like porn stars from magazines and had to pose like they do and some more detailed things I don't think I can write. He says this went on from when he was seven to about ten.



He told me I am the first person he has told about this and if these memories ever attempted to come into his concious previously he blocked them out. He says texting his ex was him creating another life, a life which he could separate from his reality.
He said he created a separate life from his reality as a form of survival as when he was a child and going through this abuse he was expected to perform as different people and pretend he was them.



I really need help with this whole situation:
Firstly, has anyone experienced anything similar or have any idea whether this is a legitimate condition. Because of the lies he has told I am struggling to believe him a 100% about everything he has told me. I don't want to doubt him as I don't think people are capable of making up tales of child abuse.


Obviously after he told me this I decided to let him stay with him and support him through it all and then I would make a clear decision as to whether I would stay with him forever.

He has contacted the Police, is seeing a victim support officer, and a relationship counsellor with me.

The relationship counsellor suggested that it could be dissociation as my partner does not remember sending most of the messages and my partner says that world with her was separate with this world. But he would never have met her in reality. I fairness to him he did have many occasions when he could have met her but did not. He also says about discussing me “I did not discuss you, it was always as if I was discussing a you that wasn’t the real you”.

Does this sound like dissociation or am I being fooled?

I no nothing about the disorder and if it sounds similar would like to help him as best as I can. Also the victim support officer suggest he go to see a trauma counsellor.



The police have asked him to do a video interview but he is waiting till after august as he has a few family functions any advice on what I should do would be helpful.



Many Thanks
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mykaleidoscope
5,000+ Posts
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Re: Need advice

Post by mykaleidoscope on 8/6/2012, 8:25 am

First, dissociative identity disorder (DID) is real. Whether your partner has DID or not, only a trained professional can diagnose.

In my opinion, you are doing the right things, seeing a relationship counselor and getting the authorities involved. I would take the advice of the victim support officer to seek a trauma counselor for your partner.

I wish you both well

Marsha251
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Need advice

Post by Marsha251 on 8/6/2012, 10:06 am

It is going to take time to sort it all out. Sounds like you are both on a right road with the counseling and involving authorities. I agree fully with mykaleidoloscope, it takes a trained professional to diagnose DID and encourage you to help him see a trauma counselor. As you are ready, there is a lot of good resource information you may find helpful if and when there is a diagnosis made.

Wishing you the best, and know that it may take awhile.
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jellio
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Re: Need advice

Post by jellio on 8/6/2012, 11:51 am

what your partner has described could be a dissociation disorder. I agree with others He needs a formal diagnosis form a professional. If he has a dissociation disorder he will need alot of help and support. You will have to decide if you want to be part of that process.

Jellio

pilly13
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Need advice

Post by pilly13 on 8/6/2012, 1:02 pm

Hi...sorry for all the troubles you have been having. It is not unusual for a sexual abuse survivor to act out in some way later in life and to have relationship problems.

So many good things are happening...he has shared, so he won't carry this alone...the perp will be prosecuted...you are in counseling. So glad you believed him and supported him. Dissociation, DID and all the related "disorders" are not just one thing but more like a continuum...it will be great for him to be treated by trauma professionals and only they can really assess his condition and help him to understand how his mind found creative ways to protect him from the fear, shame, pain and humiliation he must have felt.. Sounds like you are both committed to working things out...best of luck...
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Guest
Guest

Re: Need advice

Post by Guest on 8/7/2012, 2:40 am

Many Thanks to you all for your advice.

I am struggling as his fiancee to deal with such a shock and a part of me wonders why he never spoke to me before about the child abuse but he says me finding out that he was in touch with his ex was what "unblocked" what he had previously blocked in his mind for so long.

He is adamant they are both linked cause and effect but that is what I am struggling with. To believe him entirely.

Regardless of everything I love him so much but I'm also afraid that he may revert back to messaging her although he says that now his childhood abuse is in the open that won't happen..now he no longer needs to escape his reality through creating this world. But that is another thing that I doubt now the childhood abuse is in the open that surely won't just stop dissassociation (if that is what he has)?

All this also makes me question what was wrong in our relationship for him to message her was it problems with us or does he really have a condition.

I don't know if I have the strength within me to deal with all this but I know I have to be strong for him and to see him through help.

I apologise for being ignorant of the condition but its so difficult for me to believe entirely it is cause and effect and for me to support him in the same manner that I would have done had he told me before I discovered he was messaging his ex.
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Old Soul
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1,000+ Posts

Re: Need advice

Post by Old Soul on 8/7/2012, 5:17 am

Never appologies for wanting to understand...

We can not be responsible for another adults actions....as already stated if your partner is dissociative he needs to be assessed by a professional, you can be apart of that process, but you also need to look at your own needs in this relationship. Have you spoken to a counsellor on your own, it may help to go over some of the questions you have.
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Guest
Guest

Re: Need advice

Post by Guest on 8/7/2012, 6:09 am

No I haven't spoken to a counsellor alone, I think that is a possibility as I just don't know what help is out there for those who are involved with the victim.

Thanks again for the advice. :)
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Guest
Guest

Re: Need advice

Post by Guest on 8/7/2012, 12:09 pm

I know I sound sceptical but do you notice changes in his personality sometimes? Because if he was abused as a child it seems a bit... coincidental for the DID to be just showing up now. Our body is 19 and I've been around since it was 11. And I'm the most recent one as far as we know. Seeing as you've known him for seven years, surely you must have spotted something before. He says he's creating his own world from the ex but the child seems a bit disconnected... While, it's true I tried to act a much like Scarlet as I could, I didn't really know too much about her and people noticed changes in my behaviour. If it's DID, that should happen. It is possible he's got some kind of dissociation disorder but it's equally as likely he's fobbing you off with a lie as he knows you don't know a lot about the condition. (I'm a sceptic when it comes to romance you see)
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Guest
Guest

Re: Need advice

Post by Guest on 8/8/2012, 3:01 am

To be honest I have never noticed changes in his personality in seven years. He sayd he kept that side well hidden...although when we very first met I remember him saying that I shouldn't be with him because he has issues and when he looks in the mirror he doesn't recognise who he is and i remember him saying certain things like "i've done something bad you shouldn't be with me", this was before he was in contact with his ex as a year of a seven year relationship he was not in touch till she made the first move in Nov 2007.

I don't think its that the DID is showing up now, he says me finding out he was messaging his ex is was him realising he had created a new world and that this is possibly linked to his child abuse which he has now brought into his concious (thats what he says).

I don't know if it is DID this is just me trying to identify if he has a disorder and what I can do to help him or if he is just making a story for me to stay. However, I know him well enough to know he wouldn't make up the abuse and go so far with the case if that part was untrue.

He does not know that I think the condition is DID we havent even discussed the condition or what it could be he did tell me again when we first got together that he was schizophrenic but I think he is misdiagnosing himself there.

Thanks for your response

Marsha251
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Need advice

Post by Marsha251 on 8/8/2012, 10:03 pm

If you have one-on-one time with a therapist you are both seeing, these are good questions, concerns and observations to share and questions to ask, however, as has been said, any dissociative disorder needs to be diagnosed by a professional familiar with this, as well as any other mental disorder or illness. We here to support as much as we can, but we are not diagnosticians so please receive our support, but recognize that we each speak from our personal experiences and with things like DID, we can be and function very differently from one another. I just would hate to see you wrap around something for answers you appear to be so hungry for, and not keep in mind that we are here primarily to support and share experience. We continue to wish you the best as you walk out this journey and discover the answers you need from the professionals.
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Fireflies
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Need advice

Post by Fireflies on 8/10/2012, 11:56 pm

Not all dissociative disorders are DID. There are other dissociative disorders which he may be suffering from.

I'm glad you're giving him the benefit of the doubt about it and seeing a trained professional. I don't think he would go that far if he was just making it up as a excuse for contacting his ex.

I would suggest, if you have not already, to put a very firm boundary on that. No contact with her for any reason. Keep him in the trauma therapy and get advice for yourself. You may even consider seeing a separate counsellor yourself to help you with the feelings of betrayal you must be feeling, and to help educate you on the dissociative disorders, and abuse related conditions.

Best of luck to you both.

Fireflies
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Guest
Guest

Re: Need advice

Post by Guest on 8/17/2012, 5:28 am

Thank you again for the advice and support.

Is there anywhere where I could learn about other dissassociative disorders?

I have said no contact with her at all otherwise we are well and truly over and I am waiting for his appointment with the trauma counsellor but want to open myself up to what he could be suffering from so the blow isn't so severe. Not sure if this will work at all.

I will possibly see a counsellor myself as I know I have my own issues to deal with and the causes of what he says is down to his abuse.

I just hope days get better.
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