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Freaking out

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Guest
Guest

Freaking out

Post by Guest on 9/1/2012, 2:17 pm

I told my therapist (is this a T?)about the parts of me that take over.

I even let her photocopy pages of my journal that explained the name and characteristic of each those chooses to live in my community.

The thing is, I never leave, well, I almost never leave, so she isn't sure if it's DID.

So, I told her about the fist fight of two very different alters, of how I've been mediator between them, and how they used my body to "duke it out" and I had to step in to separate them.

My head hurts still where I got hit in the temple, and this argument was witnessed by my guy and my lifelong friend. But that's not what is troubling me.

Will she send me to the Mental Hospital? She has pages in my handwriting explaining who these personalities are, what they mean to me, and where they live in my newly constructed community.

She said that she wouldn't give up on me, that she wanted these pages so she could learn more about my complexities, and said that she was proud of me for telling her.

I didn't want to tell her.
This is the first time I've ever told a shrink what is really going on, other then the immediate, traumatic issue.

But my guy is weirded out by what happened, because not only did I hit myself, I was screaming in two different voices, and then when I broke up the fight, I held my arms out to the sides and said, "girls, girls, that's enough."

Now, I'm unsure if he is judging me or if I'm judging myself for him.
Therefore, I reached out for help.

Problem is, I'm not sure if I want to let someone in, I tend to loose people when I do.

Ok, enough whining.

-AJ
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Izabel
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Freaking out

Post by Izabel on 9/1/2012, 2:52 pm

You are so brave to let your therapist in, AJ, especially given your experience from having so done with some others in the past. I find it hard to let another "in", as well. Bravo to you for your courage, and for extending trust out to your Therapist.

I thought you did some wonderful processing in your post. It sounds like your Therapist is very much interested in providing you with support, understanding, and encouragement.

and listening.
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Guest
Guest

Re: Freaking out

Post by Guest on 9/1/2012, 6:39 pm

Thank you

I'm still so sad
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Izabel
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Freaking out

Post by Izabel on 9/1/2012, 9:08 pm

Aww, I'm so sorry you're still sad, AJYumi. I understand.

I hope you don't mind if I sit with you, as nobody should be alone when they are sad.

Feel free to share more, I am listening, and .
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Old Soul
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Freaking out

Post by Old Soul on 9/7/2012, 12:29 am

We think you are very brave to take this step...It's ok to be sad, change is hard and can be frightening to our systems, and upsetting. It's hard to know what the future holds, expecially if this is new ground for you, as scary as it is, it could also be a new beginning and a greater understanding by having outsiders support you and your system.

Thanks for posting and sharing

Old Soul
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Guest
Guest

Re: Freaking out

Post by Guest on 9/24/2012, 1:53 pm



I have been off the web for awhile, but when I read this today, you made my day Izabel. Thank You for sitting with me, I'm glad that I have support, and a friend
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Old Soul
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Freaking out

Post by Old Soul on 9/29/2012, 3:16 am

Glad you've been checking in, hope all is well and you are talking to your T about how things are going.



OS

kkruty
5,000+ Posts
5,000+ Posts

Re: Freaking out

Post by kkruty on 9/29/2012, 4:38 am

I hope your T is open to the diagnosis of DID. I would ask her. You are not alone with this. IG is here to support you in your Quest. Caring and Listening.
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henipeni
100+ Posts
100+ Posts

Re: Freaking out

Post by henipeni on 10/6/2012, 12:23 am

Just wanted to comment on something you said

"The thing is, I never leave, well, I almost never leave, so she isn't sure if it's DID."

Um

We had an alter who was always there. It didn't matter who was out, what was going on or how triggered we were Erik was there pretending to be Jeni. In fact the whole world thought Erik was Jeni. Everyone who met Jeni really met Erik. He was our Gatekeeper. This didn't mean that we weren't DID/MPD it meant the very opposite. I guess what I am trying to say is having someone - you - being there permanently doesn't mean that you aren't DID/MPD it just means that there is a reason why you are always there. The t needs to find out what your role in the system is. Erik's role was to provide a consistent face or front to the world - does that sound familiar to you ? He did a great job. But he was a protective gatekeeper and not the core or main alter.

I am sorry you are feeling sad and overwhelmed but rest assured you are not alone. There are many of us who understand and who care.

I hope my words have helped and help to normalise your experience a little (LOL normalise MPD... couldn't resist)
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TeamMe
5,000+ Posts
5,000+ Posts

Re: Freaking out

Post by TeamMe on 10/6/2012, 1:26 am

My take on the 'always being there' is what goes on with me/us. I am The Outside One. It is rare for me to lose time. I am aware though not in control when others are out.
Is that what you mean?
Kay
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Guest
Guest

Re: Freaking out

Post by Guest on 10/11/2012, 11:28 am

Yes! Yes, henipeni & TeamMe. That is exactly what is going on with me/us.1- I'm not sure who "I" am, when I talk to my therapist (who's letting me go because she isn't "trained" in DID) she asks who is talking in her office. But, I'm not sure. I mean, I know who Joy is, I know who Alex is, I even know the others, but this identity who knows everyone and can easily give the skinny about anyone of us, I believe IS a Gatekeeper.

AND, 2- I am very aware of appearances. My main alter is a Motherly type, and doesn't approve of us "acting a fool". Matter of fact, she made this very dark and sinister alter that was just talking in tongues get up out of bed and get the kettle off the stove because "no one wants to hear that whistle screaming while you've in here acting a fool". I can't help but laugh. But yes, I am aware of what is happening, but as it is happening, I feel meager.
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