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I'm different

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I'm different

Post by Guest on 10/16/2012, 11:44 pm

I am very new to this.

A little over 4 months ago, I began having trouble in college. It started like this. I am in in undergraduate studies of Forensic Psychology so I studied sexual offenders, children and violence, then back to sex offenders, then neglect of children.... It was just too much to bear and I couldn't figure out why. I began having anxiety attacks from out of no where that i haven't had since I was 16 or 17 i think.

So I was having a hard time leaving my house. so one day i noticed when I was having an anxiety attack, I "literally" saw myself outside my body, and i just thought that was the most amazing thing I have EVER experienced in my life. When I did it was just so cool and I remember thinking to myself this is the most amazing way for me to cope with anxiety. Then when my partner had to confront her boss on something, i explained to her to "Try and picture yourself outside your body where you can see everything your doing like your watching a movie, and you'll be fine."

This raised some concern to her and she kept asking me if I had another episode and sometimes it would be yes, and sometimes no.. but I noticed I began to where this sill scarf, that just made no sense but I liked it.

Then it happened one time in the mirror. It was strange because I recall making myself look as feminine as possible, and I grabbed my partner's purse shes didn't use and wore it. I found it so odd, that I couldn't believe after all these decades of being against purses, here I am carrying one.

So anyways, I only seem to alter when I am in front of a mirror, and I have always done i behind closed doors. I felt if anyone wold ever find out, they wold think that i was a freak and lock me up for life..

So does any one else have a problem with mirrors, because I can't seem to figure it out..

I mean, I argue with myself and even compliment myself, but it's only if I am in a mirror. Let me take that back, it's only if I'm not in a full body mirror, just seeing mainly my shoulders up or half of my body.

I'm starting to lose large amounts of time, like I can't tell my days from anything, I forget things that were just said to me or I did, and most o the time I feel like I blank out.

I've been catching myself lying because I want to do something impulsive like shop and buy something I don't need, or just go be stupid... Then I don't even realize half the things that come out of my mouth.

I remembering things I don't want to remember.. Maybe that's whaqt it is.. I don't want to remember them but they are becoming more clear. I'm remembering things from a child I forgot about.. Which I must say, I am missing large chunks out of my childhood. Just the same 20 or 30 memories I have.. Sometimes I think they are exaggerated..

I would love to hear everyone's thoughts, if any at all.

This has just been such a struggle for me because I sought therapy, and my scores on the personality test where the most remarkable thing my therapist has ever seen because I was showing so many personality traits, that scored all in the 90's. So I took a DID test, and something just kept telling me to be honest, so I was, and that's when my therapist struggled in helping me me find someone who was affordable that treats DID patients, and being in Los ANgeles, you would think there was more help..

The ones we have found, over 1,000 dollars on average for 45 minutes. I can't afford that yet you know, and at the same time I'm scared because I don't want to mess up my life...
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Like A Pheonix
Like A Pheonix
Like A Pheonix

Re: I'm different

Post by Like A Pheonix on 10/17/2012, 12:32 am

Hi Geebus

I'm relatively new to this myself, I've only known for about 3 1/2 years

Those definitely sound like dissociative symptoms. In my opinion (which isn't expert at all) they could fit DID, but maybe this needs more exploring. Oddly enough the first symptom that i thought of as being DID-related. which happened to me, was also an OBE... (out of body experience) I was watching myself snooze, sort of conscious but not really.. It was bizarre to me at the time.

These could all be symptoms of DID, but only some one working with you will be able to find out for sure i guess, unless you end up having alters who get impatient and contact you themselves. (that's what mine did)

We do stand in front of the mirror a lot, and it's very disorienting at times. You know, like your appearance doesn't match how old you feel, etc. We argue out-loud pretty much every day, and I have found myself doing so, admittedly, with my own reflection. We do the clothing thing, sometimes it's a chore to figure out a compromise that works.

I can forget where I am and what time it is very easily. Also have issues with having no idea what i just said, and having words pop out of my mouth that aren't mine.

That sounds very very pricy for one session.... I guess my advice would be to try and find some one who can work with you on the price, maybe a sliding scale fee based on income.

wishing you the best of luck,
-San

manyfaces
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: I'm different

Post by manyfaces on 10/17/2012, 1:52 am

Hi Geebus & welcome to IG. I agree that it do sound like you do have a lot of dissociative symptoms. How far away are you form Claremont. I had a wonderful T (before I moved). She deals with DID. Since i had insurance i'm not sure what her fee is. I hope you keep posting. I think you found the right place to be to get feedback & needed support. Looking forward to getting you better. Listening & caring
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Re: I'm different

Post by Guest on 3/3/2013, 10:50 pm

I relate to the mirror thing. I have a specific alter that only talks to me in the mirror, and seeing myself in a mirror also at times is not really a trigger but kind of a portal into someone else coming to the surface. There's only one or two of my alters who will change clothes, most of them are just unhappy that my body doesn't match how they see themselves, this makes the mirror an upsetting experience for them.

The rates you're seeing sound wayy too expensive, but then again I'm not in LA so I wouldn't know what it's like over there. Maybe there's a community program that could help? In Michigan we had county programs, and they offered counseling for lower rates. I had better luck finding a private practice office that had sliding scale fees, then they base it on your income level.

If you're just discovering parts of you, or don't have much communication, it might be helpful to have a collective journal that everyone can write it. I had a hard time accepting the other parts of myself, and found a lot of help in compromise, communication, and gratitude. The more I worked with my alters and healthier coping mechanisms, the more I've been able to find a bit of a grasp on my own existence. Just trying to provide any kind of help I can. Sorry to ramble.

I hope things are looking up, wishing you all the best <3
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Guest

Re: I'm different

Post by Guest on 4/22/2013, 6:57 pm

Thank you for sharing your story Geebus.

If I took a similar type class, I would prob have a similar reaction.

I would dissociate more and become music or other things...

But, eating gluten free has definitely helped my anxiety and depression.

I have looked different in the mirror sometimes, but it is mostly drug induced or hormone problem induced.

A mystic, a leprechaun and a badger walk into a bar..

I have transitional anxiety and sometimes agoraphobia too. Thankfully, eating GF and dairy free help.

Some docs are crazy expensive apparently...
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college and the joys within

Post by Guest on 5/4/2013, 6:04 pm

i can't tell you how difficult getting my degrees has been with my diagnosis. i was only diagnosed with DID in 2008 but i got my first degree in 2005 and my second in 2011. kudos to you for pushing forward and giving it your all. DID has shaped my college life so much because one of my alters, Anley, takes over the academics. when i can't do something, she does it for me and with flying colors. we should all be so lucky. i have woken up from black outs with papers written, blogs written, notes taken, books highlighted. she's a gem. i also have a dual diagnosis of bipolar, and that has prevented me from accelerating through my degrees quickly, between dismissals from depressions and withdrawals from depressions, it has taken me twice as long to get to where i want to go than it would the average student. it's hard being a student with a diagnosis. give yourself some credit and keep on plugging along.
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