Welcome

Guest

to Ivory Garden Dissociative Identity Disorder Support Group and Chat

Log in

I forgot my password

Welcome to Ivory Garden DID Support Forum


Welcome Guests to Ivory Garden DID Support Forum

Come on in and take a look around.


Ivory Garden Dissociative Identity Disorder Group
is a private community.

Please Apply.

Visit site

Search Entire Site

Community Updates

Our Goal

OUR GOAL

To provide a unique environment where folks who have experienced trauma can openly and safely talk. We strive to respect, validate, and learn from each other.

ACHIEVING OUR GOAL

Achieving our goal requires cooperative collaboration amongst members and staff. Members posts remain appropriate and relevant to topics. Terms of Service are clearly posted to help members maintain the dignity of the board. Members of this group are at a stage in their healing to independently regulate their own behavior, as well as keeping themselves safe while on the forums. Staff regularly monitor posts and replies to ensure the board remains a safe and comfortable environment of learning for everyone.

As a friendly and kind community, we validate each other as equally special and significant.

These forums are active and the community not too large or too small - about 400 post per day. There are many forums on different topics. The topics range in subject matter also. You are welcome to interact as you feel comfortable.

This is a safe place for members. We encourage building coping skills, learning from each other and material shared. We discourage sharing explicit memories of past abuse. We feel that processing memories be done with professionals. There are no practicing therapists on these forums. Therefore, topics that call for therapist type responses are discouraged.

Feel free to look around. Realize that, as a guest, your view of the forums is minimal. These forums are otherwise private to the public view and/or search engines.

We have literally hundreds of articles and provide workshops for everyone. Please feel free to email me anytime with questions. I am also providing a tutorial that should help with navigating our site.

The very best to you,
Felicity Lee
"owner"
felicity4us2@gmail.com

  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Share
avatar
felicity
Felicity Lee
Felicity Lee

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by felicity on 7/27/2015, 8:28 pm

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Rob Spring - PODS wrote:At first glance, it seems obvious why the survivor needs rescuing: their life is chaotic and out of control. They switch between parts of their personality and have no memory of what has just taken place. They are not able to decide for themselves on a course of action and they need a safe adult to take care of them. Psychiatric care is out of the question as they are so afraid and so ashamed, and surely it will only make things worse. Many people, in all sincerity when faced with such a scenario, would respond with a heartfelt, gut-wrenching “Of course they need rescuing!”

But the person in question is a survivor. That does not mean that they are weak, and incapable, and powerless. It means that even as a child they survived things that most of us cannot even imagine. If they survived overwhelming trauma as children without any support, surely they can survive the aftermath of it now as an adult? Support is vital, but we cannot do it for them. We have to recognise their autonomy, their responsibility, and their capability. Many survivors struggle to see this for themselves and are convinced that they are ‘crazy’, ‘pathetic’, ‘weak’ and that they ‘can’t’. But the powerlessness that they subjectively feel in relation to their current circumstances is a symptom of trauma, not an objective reality. Somehow, they have managed to survive thus far, and somehow they will continue to survive. Although I take very seriously the risks of self-harm and completed suicide, I do continue to believe in the resilience of survivors: they have had good reason, every single day, to kill themselves, and yet somehow they are still alive. And that should be a source of huge encouragement both to them and everyone around them. If miracles of survival have already taken place, there is no reason why they shouldn’t continue.
http://www.pods-online.org.uk/riskofrescuing.html

I really liked this article.  

I thought of the support forum here and other support forums and what we do for each other as 'supporters'/'survivors' (where survivors are supporters for each other).  If you read the complete article, the author gives scenarios of how 'rescuing' can become 'controlling' - as well as abandonment, etc.  

We see this happening as a community at IG - and, over the years - the 'controlling' factor come in - as well as survivors falling into the role of the powerless, needy, and helpless role - the supporter being given control.  

I view the support forum here as a safe place to kind of play through these roles without getting drawn into the pitfalls that can happen.  If we can do that, as a community, it becomes a safe place where we don't fear rejection, we can all move forward with a sense of free will and strength, and there is no need for some controlling force to make sure we all play nicely with each other.  We take responsibility for our actions, but are still there for each other without rescuing - and, though we may be scared or vulnerable, we can expect that others will see our strength and respect our ability to get through - knowing that we are there really caring and understanding.  Yes, we follow the terms of service, because we respect our own ability to do so without someone policing us.  We aren't children and shouldn't be treated as though we are.

As many long-term members of IG know - we have had our share of rescuers come along over time - and, the control that survivors give them goes to their head creating chaos for us to return things to 'normal' where we are again back to 'supporting' each other to 'get through' our crisis on our own with real support.  

But, then - sometimes, it feels like we are never going to make it through - like no one really cares 'enough'.  Then, other times when we feel like we aren't 'doing enough' to support.  Or, saying the right thing.  That possibly we will say something to make things worse or that we might upset someone already upset enough.  Or, maybe we shouldn't write how we are feeling, because it will trigger others or make them feel helpless - when we really do know that we have to get through ourself.  Or, sometimes we might feel that someone is not trying enough, because we get frustrated when they don't seem to listen to support.  Well, you get the idea - this is all part of participating on IG - that is for sure.  And, wow - we have been here the times when the 'rescuers' came to control everything - that really is so much easier - teddy bears and hugs and love - and mommy talk.  Easier than being treated as an adult survivor - strong and able - right?  That sort of 'control' never lasts long on IG -

We are back to normal again, now.

All in all, I just want to say that I am so proud of the folks at IG.  I have watched for 9 years as you all have gone through so much - and, the support is always given for each others best interest and with respect for your strength and free-will.  We have faith in each other as autonomous and compassionate.  Wow - that is quite amazing when you think about it all.  

What do you think - I liked the article and thought it was thought-provoking especially since we are all 'survivor'/'supporters' here.  And, many of us are irl also.

@ Pat Goodwin 2015



     

Don't miss the Ivory Garden Conference this year!!

https://igdid.org
Who is Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation?

https://ivorygardensite.com/

Contact Pat Goodwin, MA
President: Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation

felicity4us2@gmail.com
avatar
Promise
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by Promise on 7/27/2015, 9:41 pm

I read the whole article. I liked it. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Survivors of severe trauma need support, and can benefit from having a supporter with healthy boundaries.
avatar
krathyn
krathyn
krathyn

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by krathyn on 7/27/2015, 11:00 pm

it is so easy to confuse "support" with "rescue" --where rescue leads to an everending triangle with more victims.
support is a strength and allows for both positive and "negative" outcomes--but everyone is allowed to be themselves.



wishing you well-
Krathyn, Sebastian, Strawberry, Easebeth, Petrea
Krathyn of We5:    we accept all intentions of support--





krathyn148@gmail.com
avatar
felicity
Felicity Lee
Felicity Lee

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by felicity on 7/28/2015, 8:33 am

Yes, boundaries - and autonomy and giving others the respect of their own strength and ability even when in crisis. That all makes me feel safe in crisis - and - I want to give a big ty to all who have been there for me so many times and did not cause me to feel helpless - you are the best.



     

Don't miss the Ivory Garden Conference this year!!

https://igdid.org
Who is Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation?

https://ivorygardensite.com/

Contact Pat Goodwin, MA
President: Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation

felicity4us2@gmail.com
avatar
Beverly
100+ Posts
100+ Posts

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by Beverly on 5/28/2016, 8:22 pm

Wow I am exactly at the part that describes how we wished so badly for someone to rescue us when we were experiencing the abuse and no one did. Then we act out in hopes that someone will rescue us now.

It was kinda hard to read. Makes me feel extra sad to think I am right, I have to do this alone. Then I'm sad because I keep targeting my husband with all my pain of being alone in this.
But also very helpful.

I do have to check myself on both sides. I do tend to become the rescuer in my friendships and now I see that it is actually not just me putting myself there, it's that dynamic the writer explained.
I think it also works with me always friending very angry people. I tend to find others who are just angry I thought it was me causing them to feel my bad presence but the article kinda works for that too.

Great article, thank you
avatar
felicity
Felicity Lee
Felicity Lee

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by felicity on 2/12/2017, 12:17 pm

I think so also. I learned a lot reading it. I like PODS -

You don't have to do it alone - we are here and have great boundaries. I like the idea of being able to express in writing without expecting people to rescue us, but rather to support us in our need to move forward - as well as us being able to re-read what we write and discover how much we actually do move forward.



     

Don't miss the Ivory Garden Conference this year!!

https://igdid.org
Who is Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation?

https://ivorygardensite.com/

Contact Pat Goodwin, MA
President: Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation

felicity4us2@gmail.com
avatar
Morgan
Admin
Admin

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by Morgan on 2/14/2017, 4:20 pm

I think everyone goes through stages where they want someone to rescue them who lives with DID. I remember wanting and praying and hoping over and over that Paula my t would be my real mom and rescue me. She was extremely cautious not to foster that relationship. She allowed me to make my own mistakes and face the ramifications of them. I never feel alone. I have all my alters to rely on. We are together forever. A team. I think of this as a blessing. I am extremely independent and I think that is because of the care I received from my t. I am very thankful for the boundaries she set for herself and help me set for me. I do find myself wanting to rescue people, but I have to step back and say, no. They need to find their own way. It is very difficult to do with loved ones like my brother but it is vital for my emotional health and his. We learn by trial and error. That's the human way. I told Paula one day before she retired about how at one time I desperately wanted her to be my mom, that in fact I wanted anyone who would to rescue me and how glad I was that no one did.

I am very grateful for IG. I feel safe here and I enjoy you all very much.

Morgan



I love my Family of Choice, IG
Administrator
Shirley J. Davis

avatar
felicity
Felicity Lee
Felicity Lee

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by felicity on 2/15/2017, 10:59 am

You are right, Morgan.

I found this to be odd, but I actually found a forum/group where your littles can go and are 'assigned' a 'mommy' to take care of you. I guess that it is fairly popular among the DID folks.

Back in the 70's or so - you may remember - 're-parenting' was a popular t approach, with drastic unethical implications and outcomes and for good reason - as this article explains.

Everyone does need to learn by their mistakes. It is a shame that ppl have to get into these odd relationships for years/decades before they come to realize that only 'they' can help themselves - independently.

I still fall into the need to rescue those who want it so badly. But, with experience, I have realized that we cannot rescue anyone, but ourself. To take on the burden of another is a full-time job where others dependence on us puts their life in danger - after all, we are not professionals, and we don't have much better boundaries than the people depending on us.

Your t sounds amazing. T's are human and often fall into the same sort of notion that they can save us and thus, we become so dependent on them that we no longer can think independently without calling t.

It is kind of like the mom bird pushing the babies out of the nest when it is time for them to learn to fly. If they never did, the baby birds would just sit there waiting for mommy to feed them. Right? Stagnated.

This is a great topic. I am so glad that this article was 'bumped' up for us to discuss.



     

Don't miss the Ivory Garden Conference this year!!

https://igdid.org
Who is Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation?

https://ivorygardensite.com/

Contact Pat Goodwin, MA
President: Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation

felicity4us2@gmail.com
avatar
Morgan
Admin
Admin

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by Morgan on 2/15/2017, 3:45 pm

Yes, that's exactly what Paula did, she pushed me out of the nest. She kept a healthy distance while still maintaining a good therapeutic relationship. Now I find it very hard to lean on others which has its good points and bad. I think I know the difference between healthy leaning and bad leaning now but I wouldn't if it were not for her diligence. Paula and I had a mutual admiration society going on. LOL She admired my strength and unwillingness to quit and well, I admired her for her abilities as a t as well as being a super-intelligent person. I try very hard not to harm others and one way is to not take care of them. I will support, but I will not bail them out of problems they have brought on themselves. That's never good for anyone. It is vital to take responsibility for our own actions and behaviors. It is an important part of growing up. Lord knows I was like a child when I began to see Paula. I think the best way I can help others is to speak about my experiences and write about them. In this way I can share my acquired knowledge and allow others to decide what they will and won't believe. The best way I can help my family is to take good care of me. That gives them a big worry they don't have to carry around. I have friends who are very needy. I offer them love and acceptance and occasionally a little more, but I'm cautious.

I don't think I would have gotten as much as I have from IG had we been an organization that allowed ourselves to over-help others. I know we have had some problems with this, but for the most part things have been conducted very well. I've always felt loved and accepted here and never afraid to speak my mind. When I attended the conference in 2014 it was like going home. I felt accepted and a sense of belonging I have never felt before. It was wonderful. I'm looking forward to having this feeling again.

The people of IG have and always will be more of a family to me than my FOO.
Morgan



I love my Family of Choice, IG
Administrator
Shirley J. Davis

avatar
felicity
Felicity Lee
Felicity Lee

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by felicity on 2/16/2017, 11:53 am

Aww, yes - this forum was started over a decade ago by Christina and I, because we were feeling 'controlled' and 'disrespected' on another forum.

Our goal was to give survivors the respect and validation each deserves while also encouraging independence and 'open discussion'.

The 'feel' of the forum transferred to the conference. I know that many who came that first year were isolated and feared just getting there. But, once they were, they realized that they could do most anything. I had never even been to such a conference much less planned or executed one. I was so scared, but my fear disappeared quickly as I saw everyone else. It was a totally 'freeing' experience. And, everyone jumped in to help. Wow - amazing.

Previous to and during the conference, there were many who thought that we should have a 'safe-room' where survivors could go and hug teddy bears and read children's stories to each other. Some still believe this. But, we have found this to be so totally disrespectful - as if we are less capable or intelligent as those who are not survivors. Some clinicians also don't believe that 'survivors' are capable of putting on a good conference - that we have nothing to offer.

Well, three successful conferences have proved them all wrong. And, mostly - all who have attended tell different stories about how attending has changed their lives.

Regardless of whether IGDID members are still active here - each of you all helped plan the conferences by giving input, helping out, and attending. We listened and planned according to what members wanted - as we continue to do here.

We were also like a 'child' when we first entered t. It was like suddenly, we were 'given permission' to be dependent and incapable of making our own decisions. We were even told that carrying around baby dolls and teddy bears was acceptable and so, we did. It felt so comforting - even though people looked at us strangely. After a time, we decided that there really was a 'time and place' for that - at home in our room. right? It is difficult to gain 'respect' while hugging a baby doll and talking baby talk.

Not to say that this is not okay for others who need the comfort..

And, we believed that 'anything' could be a trigger - we started looking for triggers in everything and fearing our response. hmmm. We would tell people - 'Oh, we can't go there - we might get triggered'. We were scared to do anything or go anywhere. As if we were too weak and needy to even watch a movie that wasn't Disney.

We had to boot ourself out of the nest - or forever become who we never were - weak, needy, and dependent on others. Truth being, that trusting others to give us what we need - never works. And, trying to rescue others - not helpful to them. As far as triggers - they are everywhere - and, we have spent a lifetime dealing with them. Fearing them - reinforces the fear of us being unable to take care of us.

I love this article when he mentioned that survivors are strong - they survived once and will always survive on their own. They don't need to be rescued.

Yes, speaking - you are great at that - and, writing also - bravo. You put your positive experiences out there for others to 'believe' or 'not believe' - it is up to each of us what we are capable of - and what restrictions we need to put on ourself.

Looking forward to seeing you at conference - and, hearing you talk to folks.



     

Don't miss the Ivory Garden Conference this year!!

https://igdid.org
Who is Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation?

https://ivorygardensite.com/

Contact Pat Goodwin, MA
President: Ivory Garden Nonprofit Corporation

felicity4us2@gmail.com
avatar
mystory
1,000+ Posts
1,000+ Posts

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by mystory on 2/16/2017, 12:30 pm

Great article and discussion.
avatar
Morgan
Admin
Admin

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by Morgan on 2/16/2017, 4:05 pm

Self-respect and respect for others. That's what its all about isn't it. I too feel I don't ever need rescuing. I never really did, it was just a passing phase that I went through during my t with Paula. I am fiercely independent and outspoken. Those seem to be a traits you and I share Felicity. We are survivors of so much! I firmly believe that I can handle most anything that comes my way. I mean, I have looked evil straight in the eye and lived to tell about it. After that, everything else is a piece of cake.

It would have been detrimental to have a safe room, even though I was a proponent of it at first. We needed to seek each other out for support and to listen to the speakers and just have fun! It was great fun! I've never felt so respected and wanted. It felt wonderful to be called by my real name Morgan instead of my body name. I learned a lot about myself and my dx even though I only attended two workshops. I was up in the suite for almost the entire time helping to serve food and talking LOTS! In fact it was at that conference where I acquired the sore in my mouth that was cut out a week or so ago! That's how much I talked! I made and met so many friends! More than anything I realized how I definitely am NOT alone!

Morgan



I love my Family of Choice, IG
Administrator
Shirley J. Davis

avatar
krathyn
krathyn
krathyn

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by krathyn on 2/16/2017, 9:51 pm

early on i learnt that i could go back to my room or for a walk if i needed to get away from something "triggering"
maybe some wanted to have a room for crying with baby dolls, but that does not get you through it.
i was amazed when at the last two conferences someone told me they could not tell the survivors apart from the students who were there to get CEU's.
that is the way it should be, we don't walk around with a tattoo on our forehead that says we are survivors, after all.



wishing you well-
Krathyn, Sebastian, Strawberry, Easebeth, Petrea
Krathyn of We5:    we accept all intentions of support--





krathyn148@gmail.com
avatar
Morgan
Admin
Admin

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by Morgan on 2/17/2017, 3:38 pm

LOL that's very true Krathyn! We sure don't have a mark on us of some kind advertising we are multiples. I mean the whole reason to be a multiple is to hide. I like that, no tattoo on our foreheads. That gave me a giggle. Morgan



I love my Family of Choice, IG
Administrator
Shirley J. Davis

avatar
krathyn
krathyn
krathyn

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by krathyn on 2/17/2017, 8:23 pm

funny how sometimes i can tell someone is another multi after i talk to them awhile but usually only if they tell me!
still looking for that "mark"---!



wishing you well-
Krathyn, Sebastian, Strawberry, Easebeth, Petrea
Krathyn of We5:    we accept all intentions of support--





krathyn148@gmail.com
avatar
Morgan
Admin
Admin

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by Morgan on 2/19/2017, 2:38 pm

I know. I have a friend IRL who I recognized as a multiple when I met her. I've met at least one of her alters who is very different from the person who is up front (imagine that LOL).

To tell you the truth, I like being a multiple. I'm never lonely and always have someone to talk to. To someone who is a singleton this would sound nuts, but I know you guys understand. I just can't imagine what it would be like not to have the others. Morgan



I love my Family of Choice, IG
Administrator
Shirley J. Davis

avatar
krathyn
krathyn
krathyn

Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder - Survivors Supporting Survivors

Post by krathyn on 2/19/2017, 4:26 pm

i have a lot less members than i started out with. it was really confusing at first and now it isn't
i am beginning to think though it is healthier to stay like i am rather than the way it was or the way i thought it would be.
some people who do integrate all the way to one, end up being very hurtful and angry which i would rather not be.



wishing you well-
Krathyn, Sebastian, Strawberry, Easebeth, Petrea
Krathyn of We5:    we accept all intentions of support--





krathyn148@gmail.com
  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Current date/time is 12/16/2017, 6:31 am