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a public service announcement

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brazen60
Less than 100 posts
Less than 100 posts

a public service announcement

Post by brazen60 on 7/25/2016, 8:23 pm



"i just don't get it. i thought i knew what a best friend was. i think i had a best friend but i listened to other people. they told me they loved me and gave me gifts and made me feel so welcomed. i Trusted them when i shouldn't have.
those friends didn't love me or care. they just wanted to use me and now they are even Mean. i don't know what to do.
and now my best friend is gone. i am so Sad."

brazen60
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Grace&us
100+ Posts
100+ Posts

Re: a public service announcement

Post by Grace&us on 7/26/2016, 1:42 am

we are sorry you are sad. Trusting the wrong people can be very dangerous and painful.
thanks for sharing..
keep sharing..

Grace&us
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felicity
Felicity Lee
Felicity Lee

Re: a public service announcement

Post by felicity on 7/26/2016, 9:31 am

Where did your 'friend' go?

I 'had' friends who said they loved me and trusted me - they would always be there for me. I am still here, but they aren't anymore. They listened to mean liars who were out to hurt them as well. I can't blame them - they were misled and controlled by the mean people. They 'had' to believe them - they 'had' to turn on me or the same would happen to them - or so they were led to believe. Just like happened during the horrible abuse as a child. The mean people are abusers - you are the victim. Your friend is a victim - turned perpetrator.

I am so sorry to hear that this happens. Stand strong for yourself and find the wisdom within 'you' - and, they can't hurt you anymore. That is what 'survivors' do.

Like any addiction, you can't change others who have been controlled. Just like a gambler who has to choose between standing with a friend who needs them or getting in the car to drop a quarter in the slot machine - they will choose leaving the friend. Or, asking a friend to 'hear' you or check the next fb post - you can't draw their attention from the phone - they can't even put the phone down. The phone - unbelievably - is an addiction they will choose over their 'friend'.

Sadly, trauma-based addiction is a person always 'doing' something that helps them cope - by making them feel 'better', at least for a short time - The symptoms of trauma, that they are unable to bear, subside while they fulfill selfish needs without them even realizing what they are doing - or caring - for that matter. A common symptom, rarely mentioned or dealt with - 'addiction to harmful and dangerous behavior'. This is a symptom of constantly reinactment of the original abuse.

This article - "The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Re-enactment, revictimization, and masochism." says it well.

van der Kolk - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2664732 wrote:Trauma can be repeated on behavioral, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering. Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. People need a "safe base" for normal social and biologic development. Traumatization occurs when both internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with external threat. Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. ...Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Assaults lead to hyperarousal states for which the memory can be state-dependent or dissociated ... This interferes with good judgment about these relationships and allows longing for attachment to overcome realistic fears.

Notice that this behavior is much like practicing SI - and, with all addictive behaviors comes shame - for a survivor - a familiar and safe place to be. Your friend may feel shame, but at the same time, does nothing to repair a stable and healthy relationship - having no clue 'how'. The 'friend' attaches to other relationships that are stagnating and repetitive of abusive pasts. 'Not their fault' - no - they consider themselves survivors - they have actually become perpetrators/victims. They have not only sabotaged their own healing, but also hurt others - their way of coping with their own symptoms by an addiction to drama.

It is simply a choice - the longer they fall into these patterns, the more intense their suffering becomes - until their is no chance for healing at all - just addiction to whatever makes them feel better at the time - and, we see a perpetrator born who becomes another controller of those looking for that easy answer to their pain.

Sadly, your friend and mine have moved into that place where good friends are not the answer for them - they don't even understand the 'meaning' of 'friend' and will never know how it feels to be truly cared for within healthy relationships.

I hope my post made sense. By walking away and trying to understand why a 'friend' would make promises only to break them - without a care to your feelings - is your own ability to heal and find strength in you - independent. I know that it is as hurtful as a friend's death - and, mourning is difficult. That is you healing. They are dead - in a way - but, we can 'hope' that someday, they may begin their own healing and strength to walk away from those who control them before they become another perpetrator/abuser - doing as they are told - hurting others to bury their own pain.



     

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krathyn
krathyn
krathyn

Re: a public service announcement

Post by krathyn on 7/26/2016, 11:42 am


what a succinct explanation.



wishing you well-
Krathyn, Sebastian, Strawberry, Easebeth, Petrea
Krathyn of We5:    we accept all intentions of support--





krathyn148@gmail.com
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brazen60
Less than 100 posts
Less than 100 posts

re: public service....

Post by brazen60 on 7/27/2016, 1:35 am

wow....ditto, on all of those insights.

brazen60
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